


Youth by Daughter

by GirlzRealm



Category: daughter - Fandom
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-30
Updated: 2016-11-30
Packaged: 2018-09-03 05:19:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,517
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8698615
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GirlzRealm/pseuds/GirlzRealm
Summary: was feeling down so i started to write about it and then it turned into something super depressing





	

Do you ever just feel so shitty that you never want to get out of bed? Feel that you’ve done something wrong but not knowing what it is but someone’s telling you you’re wrong and a liar and you take it because all you do is submit to what others say. You believe it because why would someone say it if it wasn’t true right? And sometimes you wanna stand up for yourself and you try so hard to but you back down when the other person starts talking again because all your courage and strength you had to finally SPEAK is gone. Its diminished into nothing and you take whatever they say because it’s what you do, it’s who you are. You think you deserve it all because to you, everything someone says about you is the truth. Every negative thing is true and because you hear those more often than the positive ones, they mean more. You just brush all the positives off because you know that there are more fucked up than pretty tings about you. You try to be so big but can only be made smaller and smaller because you think the smaller you are, the less people will notice you and all the bad things about you. And when something good happens you try to reject it and holding off on it because nothing good happens to you. There’s no reason for you to have anything good because you’re bad. You’re mean, a liar, you break things when all the emotions get to be too much. You’re fat, insecure, anxious, a fuck up, an outcast. You starve yourself and slice your wrists to try and feel anything else but numb, yet all it does is increase that numbness. It doesn’t work anymore. The pains aren’t strong enough to counteract the NUMBNESS. They haven’t been for a while. You’re too far gone. So late at night you make up a happier place, a place where you are everything you wish you were and you leave all your baggage behind. You start to dream of that place you made up on paper and when you wake up all you ever want to do is go back to sleep because why would you wanna live in reality when your dreams are so perfect? But you get up anyways and you grab the notebook and pencil and you make more of your perfect world. You live there all day with all your favourite things. You keep adding and adding until something brings you back to reality and you feel numb again. You try to go back to that perfect place you’ve made up but you can’t because you can never have something good for so long. So, you put down the notebook and pencil and try to get out of bed to get water and even that feels like a chore. When you drink that water, you feel like you’re about to throw up because its keeping you alive when all you want to do is DIE and go back to your perfect world forever where reality can’t wake you up. But then you think of those few people who mean something to you. People you know you mean something to and you can’t leave them because they have problems to and you don’t want to leave them on their own like you were. You want to help them cope with everything they already have going on instead of making life more difficult for them. So, you stay and keep your own problems to yourself so no one has to worry about you and you can help those few people who you care about. And their problems don’t add more pressure to yourself because when you help them you feel like you’ve finally done something RIGHT rather than WRONG. For once you feel like you have a purpose and that you can SPEAK UP even if it’s not for yourself. You feel like the person in your made-up world who helps other people and makes a big impact on the world even though in reality it’s a small impact but not to those you help. You feel good and you feel like you want to be alive for as long as possible. But then they leave. You’ve gotten attached and you cared and felt cared for even if they didn’t know you had big problems too. They’ve found newer shinier friends who can help them with their problems and you watch them become something while you sit back and work on your perfect world every day. They make something of themselves and you tried to, you know you did. You tried the hardest you could to become more than what you were but nothing happened. Once again you are at square one with people telling you all the things you’ve done wrong at your minimum wage job. You go back to the house you’ve always lived in with your mom and have her nag at you to make something of yourself so she can move into a smaller home and get you out. So, you go back to your room, take off your work uniform and put on pajamas and grab your old tattered notebook that holds your world. You make something big of yourself and you never lost your friends. You kept them and made new ones along your glorious journey to the top of the world. Yet you stayed humble because you don’t want to be an egotistical asshole. You’ve traveled and changed people’s lives for the better. Saw them move on and do great things for themselves but kept in touch to see if they needed anything or just to see how the world was treating them. You would go visit the places you’ve been to see the people you’ve helped and you feel proud of yourself. You feel amazing. You feel like you’ve fulfilled your life and that it meant something. Reality brings you back when your mom tells you to go eat dinner and you say you aren’t hungry, because you aren’t. You just want it to all be over soon. So, that night you go to bed, taking a bottle of old pills and chasing them down with water from that water bottle you always used for when you played sports when you were a kid. You feel yourself drifting into a sleep but force yourself to stay awake, ALIVE, a little longer so you can put on your favourite outfit from when you were younger and it fits because you haven’t grown. In fact, its big on you because you’ve shrunk down to nothing. You tie up your shoes and lay down on your back staring at the ceiling. You reach out to read through the world you’ve created over the years and add one final touch. The happy ending. You add what you’ve always wanted. You meet the love of your life; you get married and have kids who grow up feeling loved. Your kids go onto do great things in the world but come back home with the news of finding their loves. You help them through all their own ups and downs and soon they are married with kids. You make sure your kids and grandkids know that they are loved and you show them all the good things in life. Soon you and your husband are old and are cuddling in bed one night knowing that this is the end. So, you hold onto each other, exchanging I love you’s and old stories before you both drift off into an endless sleep. You can’t keep your eyes open anymore. Struggling to keep your eyelids open by the time you finish. You close the notebook and place it on your chest as well at the pencil you used to create your perfect world. You grab your old phone, never having replaced it, and grab your earbuds before putting on the music that you first started making your world to and make sure it will play through every song you’ve ever listened to. You put the phone with the pencil on top of the notebook and let the sleep take over, so happy that you are finally going to your perfect world where everything is okay. Where you got to be what you could never be in reality. And soon you’re at the beginning. You recognize it instantly and you smile and live in your perfect world forever, while on the outside people are setting up your funeral. Only immediate family attending. It was small and they got over it quickly cause you weren’t a loss. You were never supposed to be there in the first place. So, life goes on in reality with not a dent of sorrow from the people who once knew you. You’re just a faint memory. While you live in your perfect world, you feel happy. You feel content because for once you know what it feels like to become something. To be something that you never were. To be YOU.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading and stay tuned cause over these next few days i will probably have a lot more things to post


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